Live or animatronic Dummy. No experience necessary; $15/hr; opportunity For advancement

Are you the weak, silent-type? Already paralyzed? Or maybe just a solid listener who is able to survive up to 6 hours on a few crackers? If so, an exciting opportunity awaits…

An anonymous, 50ish social-engineering hobbyist with ALS is looking to hire a qualified surrogate to attend various events over the holidays.

Applicant/s should be:

• Neatly-groomed
• Able to sit 6 hours without moving or speaking
• Casually attired
• Content with keeping ideas to self
• Affable
• Morbidly pale

Authentic Man with ALS

Applicant must remain poised and sober, even while those around you have a spectacular time.